#and im supposed to be in another city on my birthday for a concert which i told my mum about over winter break

[nerdie-faerie]

Whoever decided Easter would be so fucking early this year, can you fix it? My mum's mad at me

[your-mommy-ems]

this is a two part vent lol (not really lol but you know im taking the edge off)

I've actual never done one of these on here so here goes absoluelty nothing (btw there might be swearing)

part one:

my birthday is coming up soon and we originally had plans to go away and i was super excited, but then my parents changed their plans and said we weren't going away for a few days, we were only going away for one day (on my birthday so that mean travelling on the day) and now they've changed it again and said we can't go away cause they have to feed one of our friends dogs for a few days. I get they're our friends and you want to get the right thing, but they've changed my birthday plans so much, it feels like they aren't putting in a whole lot of effort (for reference one year for my my sister's birthday we went to two different cities doing treetops courses it took a whole week to complete) They're saying that instead of going away for my birthday we'll use the money for when we go away to the eras tour concert which is two days after my dads birthday. So we're technically going away for two things my dads birthday and the eras tour which is for my sister because she is the hugest swiftie (so am i really). And i am super grateful to be going but it feels like they are putting me second to a fucking concert.

And so i babysit a girl on a regular basis its usually just whenever her mum needs me to look after her - im very flexible and things when it comes to that. But they are moving in like a week. So they want me to look after her on wednesday, thursday, and friday. Friday is my birthday and one of my relatives is coming up to visit and another wants to take us all out for lunch on that day. My mum said i'd babysit her on all those days. meaning on my birthday - which i guess i was never alright with in the first place - and when i started to protest and say it would be weird going out for lunch with my family my mother started questioning me and asking why it would be weird because we were doing a nice thing for her mother (because it was her last day of work.) and again it feels like im coming fucking second to someone else ON MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY?? idk its just (i supposed i never really had any high hopes anyway)

part two:

I visited my grandmother today. (she is the one who wants to take my family out for lunch on my birthday btw) It was great to see her we had a lovely catch up and everything. But when we sat down for lunch and she placed the plates in front of us say said this to me "you start with the salad hey em?" and i kinda brushed it off in front of everyone - it wouldn't've been a big deal if she hadn't done this shit before. She constantly makes subtle oh so subtle remarks about my weight about how i sit about what i eat (i could deadass be eating a piece of fruit and she'd say okay maybe its time to stop eating now) Then when she set our "dessert" i guess you could call it - it was just a cheescake she wanted us to try - when she set mine down she motioned to the fruit platter sitting on the table saying "put some fruit on it ems" and that would've been fine as well if she had addressed it to everyone and said it loud enough for everyone to hear. but no it was said to me and me alone. I remember this one time (it was one of the first times i noticed her making subtle remarks) when we were driving to the shops one day and she had offered me like a chocolate covered liquorice bullet. So i took two, so did she. (btw they are legit half the size of ur pinky finger) and she then turned to me and said "you know emma i always only take two of these otherwise it makes me put on weight you know? I like to savour them, just one or two." I was the only one in the car and had fucking taken the same amount as her. When i had come that afternoon and sorta told mum and dad what happened dad just brushed it off saying you know she didn't mean it like that and everything. Mum was a little more understanding saying she understood but idk really. It makes me very fucking insecure when my grandma makes little comments like that. And i don't think i could ever bring it up with anyone cause i doubt anyone in my family would actually understand.

sorry bout the long rants :)

[aspiringhorrorauthor]

Hey who wants to hear the miserable story about how I had to deal with loneliness this year? Feel free to scroll on I just need to write it down to, I suppose close the chapter on the story? Read if your curious, or maybe also need guidance, or just want to learn some tips on how to help someone dealing with it. This will be poorly structured it’s just... getting it off my chest I guess.

People talk sometimes about university students often struggling with loneliness, and often going overlooked because they’re not seen as ‘vulnerable’ as other populations. I mean, look! They’re in a city! They go out every night and piss off the locals! They can’t be lonely!

It started back in 2018 (yup, that far back), when my friends decided that it would be better for my mental health if I didn’t live with them. No lie, that was the actual fucking reason. I was heartbroken; I’ve missed out on a lot of typical “growing up! Yay!” Type things because of my mental health, trauma and bullying and the fact that “living with friends” was gonna be added to the list was fucking heart breaking. But I dealt with it, because I had no where else to turn. No one else to move in with. I cried for like 2 hours solid after they so sweetly told me they didn’t want to live with me because I have *anxiety*. Not even one of the quote unquote “””scary””” mental illnesses (which would have been a MAJOR dick move), just plain old anxiety attacks and hiding from people to calm down. I proceeded to have break downs every Wednesday for 3 months while searching for somewhere to live, bc it was always a stabbing reminder that I was so unwanted.

(They planned to move in with 2 other people so it’s not even like they were only searching for a flat to fit *just* them)

I study 300 miles away from home, literally the exact opposite part of the country. Despite not having many friends growing up I was never lonely because I had a great family who would always chase it away. Maybe I was lonely a bit at school, but I could always come home and my parents chased it away. It was recurrent, but not constant.

I got a place for the new academic year. Studio flat, great location, tiny and over priced to Hell but I was in a safe area which was great because *no one was looking out for me anymore*. I didn’t have flat mates to check I was alive everyday, no one to chat to when I got home. If I got sick, I was completely on my own. My next door neighbour is lovely, don’t get me wrong, but she’s a working professional, and I’m a second year student. Everyone else in studio flats are mature students, masters, phD students or working people. And me. I have so little in common with these people it’s tough to start a conversation with them.

My birthday is early in the academic year, so we didn’t celebrate it until about a month after. Half of my friends didn’t even bother, no card, no presents. Okay, fine, I’m not materialistic, but acknowledgement would have been nice I suppose. This is the only time they came around my flat, and they are the cake I baked to celebrate.

But they inexplicably started to just stop interacting with me. There were 5 of us, they’d pair up in lectures and only talk between themselves between lectures and left me sat quietly trying to speak to someone, ANYONE, because hello? I haven’t got FLATMATES. I talk to NO ONE outside of this “friendship” group. They don’t seem to care much, they just keep telling me how wonderful it must be to live in a studio.

They invited me round to celebrate another friend’s birthday at their shared flat. He gets presents from everyone, including the two that left me out. Their flat looks lived in, there’s board games out while I don’t have room for any of them in mine. They’ve got bean bags everywhere it looks so damn nice. “But your kitchen is bigger than ours!” Eve tried to tell me (an absolute LIE), but they don’t roll out of bed and immediately land in the kitchen. They don’t have to chose between watching tv, eating or living the flat any time they want to dry clothes bc there’s no room. I want to cry throughout the visit, I storm off once were done. I don’t know why. I know now.

Loneliness feels like a weight on your chest. It’s a double edged sword where both edges only cut you. You desperately seek interaction but it also upsets you. I wanted to hang out at their flat because I hadn’t hung out with them in nearly a month at this point, but when I got there I realised they hung out together every. Single. Night. While I cried alone in my room. It made everything so much worse. And they laughed it off.

They stopped posting in the group chat, they talked to me even less. Never invited me out, but there’s no way I could prove *they* went out so it was pointless complaining about it. I was meant to go to a concert with one of them, I reminded her about tickets an entire month before, offered to buy hers. She cancelled 5 hours beforehand. I went alone.

It was a Toyah concert. I fought back sobs in the opening song “Good morning universe”, because it repeatedly asks “how are you today?”. I was awful. I finally had it figured out. I was lonely, isolated, and I didn’t know what to do.

Before anyone gets too sad, the story only continues for 2 weeks past this concert.

1st November, they joke about how Blake, friend number 4, practically lives at their flat, and I get angry. Why does HE get to live there? Blake has flatmates, Blake’s not alone! I should be practically living there because there’s NOTHING in my flat but silence. The internet is on the fritz and I’ve yet to figure out the tv, I don’t even have background noise except the kettle! I storm off, vow to never interact with them again.

I go out for drinks with my neighbour for her birthday. She buys me a pint of coke bc I don’t drink. I hate coke, but I drink it all and chat with her friends. It was a great night.

That weekend I bake pumpkin cake and bread for knitting society, and calm down. I overreacted a bit surely. One more chance, that’s all I’ll give them. The cake and bread doesn’t all get eaten at the society so I bring some for them on the Monday.

Tuesday night is bonfire night. I sit in my flat wishing I could go out and see them rather than just hear them, but I don’t know where to go. I have no one to go with.

Wednesday im sat in lectures beside them, and a friend not in the group but still a friend comes over to chat. One of them excitedly tells her about how they went to a display last night “look at these photos I got of (friend in group)!” I ask if they went out last night, the phone is quickly put away, they ignore me. I ask again. The friend outside of the group is confused and leaves before the lecture starts. I spend 3 hours with loneliness ripping out my lungs, because how could they? They could’ve dropped me a message to say they were going and I could meet up, but they didn’t even do that? Why?

After the lectures finished I corner one of them. The first of my friends at university. The first person on my course I befriended. “Did you go out last night?” “Yes” “without me?” Another runs up “it was last minute it wasn’t planned!” Laughs it off. So I rush off. I don’t say good bye. That was it.

I went home and cried. Told my parents what happened. Cried down the phone to them. “It’s time to cut ties with them”. I know it is. It’s still hard.

So yeah. Miserable story. But any sad story should have a happy ending, right?

Yes.

The next day I told someone what had happened. She immediately called it bullshit and invited me to join her friends. They’re really nice. I like them.

I left the old group chat. No explanation, just “I’m hanging out with X now. Laters” and I left. I wrote my frustrations and explanation in a shitty poem, called it shitty in the poem itself, but also said they didn’t deserve better. They didn’t deserve even that, so I didn’t send it. I think it was a very sexy decision of mine.

But most importantly, through the hardest points, most of my weekly socialisation every week came from the two societies im part of: my society (knitting) and the nerd society. 4 1/2 hours a week of socialising isn’t enough, surprisingly. But it got me through.

But more importantly are the people I met there. I don’t want to tell them what happened, I fear they’ll be upset that they didn’t help more, but they helped so damn much. So much more than could ever be expected from anyone. That final Wednesday, when I’d cried my heart out, 2 people texted me out of the blue and lifted my spirits so much I laughed that evening where I’d cried in the day. Stupid texts too. “Baby rabbits and kittens, cos you’re a vet right?” And “I only just got this message, I would have LOVED some pumpkin cake 🙁”. Poor lads probably weren’t expecting the wild conversations we had afterwards but friendships blossomed from it. Sorry new friend, hope you like the cheese scone recipe you definitely did NOT see coming that day.

The society meets on a Thursday, but it was to be a video watching thing more than a social thing. Loneliness was still tearing me up inside, I wanted to talk to someone damnit! But I went because I needed cheering up. I laughed so hard, I sang theme songs with others, and we all went to the pub afterwards. I’d never been before, I planned to leave at half 10 so I could shower and go to sleep in reasonable time for a 9am lab. I got chatting to the cake boy at 22:25. By the time we left the bar and he’d had his fill of chocolate rolls at my flat (I offered, he was hungry and Sainsbury’s was closed) and I was in bed, it was 00:40. Oops.

But I wasn’t lonely anymore.

Whats there to learn? I suppose don’t take advantage of your friends. If someone is living alone, check on them OFTEN. Make sure you don’t just pair up for conversations in lectures. Invite people round more.

And don’t under estimate the power of a text message. The lack of one ruined one friendship, one daft one about pumpkin cake built another.

(And I baked cookies for my new friends and we ate them in front of the old friends. Get rekt).

[himenation]

MONSTA X 2ND WORLDTOUR IN AMSTERDAM (LIVE REPORT) - AFAS 20.06.2018

This is a long live report containing things how I even became a fan, to the AMAAAAAZING (not) queue, setlist, live, m&g and random moments. All fan cams and fanpics are uploaded on my twitter which I linked in this post too!

I went to Monsta X’s 2nd Worldtour in Amsterdam this month! I started to get to know Monsta X during their Beautiful promotions and when I heard they would come to Europe the first time (in 2017), I was doubting whether I should go or not. I knew like 10 songs and another fan could go instead of me. It was not close anyway, so I decided to take part in the campaign for Amsterdam. For people who don’t know MMT. MMT is a fan dedicated promoter, in which you can request an artist to come to your city and if you have enough ‘makes’ (so points) they’ll talk with the artist. 

Anyways, I took part in the campaign in august 2017. Uni was about to start and I kinda forgot about the lives for a while. Until it was around the DRAMARAMA period (and their first win omg!), I followed them again; so after their MBC performance, I got a text message from MMT that they’re starting to talk to MONSTA X. At this point I would give this presale code to somebody else, but I didn't know when the actual concert was supposed to be so I waited. So while I was waiting for their JEALOUSY comeback, I started to watch their shows because I was bored and I LITERALLY FELL INTO THE FANDOM (and not just the music). I loved these guys so much? They were so precious and funny. I really wanted to see them live and regretted not going to the Beautiful Tour. So for their Jealousy comeback, I even bought The Connect; I texted every time they had a show and streamed their MVs so they could win another win (and they did!) (I've only done this for BTS before). So just around the time of the MV release, they announced they would be coming to AMSTERDAM. I was so happy. Flash forward to the ticket sale: I went to uni early, had a computer; laptop and my phone ready and immediately bought 2x VIP tickets!!

After counting down the days to the concert, I was finally here. I couldn't wait to hear Destroyer and Lost In the Dream live (My fav songs of the new album). Fans were allowed to queue from 11, but no-one seemed to listen to it :’) Every standing type had to get a wristband (VIP included). So I was kinda late and arrived at 12 , but my wristband number was 139. I quickly had sushi with my sister at ICHI-e and went to Starbucks (and a grocery store) to get some food and drinks for the queue. Just when we were about to leave the restaurant, I got a message from MMT that they messed up the wristband numbers for VIP and it was now FCFS (First Come first Serve). It was also the hottest day of the week, yippie :’)

Queue The queue was one big mess... Fans were incredibly rude and mean and staff didn’t do anything about it either. Girls were screaming at the security and talking very rudely, fans saying to each other ‘shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down’ (this is an actual phrase someone was screaming behind me). The venue staff gave us WATER IN A BUCKET and it wasn't until a monsta x staff came and gave everyone bottles. I also met two very sweet fansites! They gave out free stuff and were overall very sweet! They talked a lot to us and were next to us in the queue. We also met two friends who wanted to go to their friends, but since people were rude; my sis stopped them and they were next to us. Even though we were strangers, me and my sis shared our food and drinks with them. During the queue certain people started to push fans and we told them to stop and they started to fight with us??? and basically telling us ‘are you blind’ :)) (also they thought the fansites were Korean so they were all nice to them but shitty to other people, but the fansites turned out to be Chinese so these rude koreaboos were really boo boo the fools) at around 18:00 we were allowed to go inside but everyone started pushing each other so we were really stuck and could barely breathe. Once we were inside we had to wait another 2 hours and I was so tired, but wow I was 4th row!  Live I also made a big thread of Monsta X on my twitter. Fancams Fanpics Okay first of all, this group has no visual hole. THEY ARE ALL SO VISUALS I COULDNT BELIEVE MY EYES. Honestly they're so beautiful irl??????? Although I knew they were all handsome, I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw IM, Kihyun, Shownu and Hyungwon DAMN. 

The live was amazing, they kept playing DRAMARAMA, SHINE FOREVER and STUCK in the venue and we were so hyped! Once the live started; they all came in Swaroski Suits (they looked so expensive) singing Jealousy. The fan chants (at least in the VIP) were A M A Z I N G.  AAHHH I finally saw monsta x im sobbing. They then played Be Quiet (it’s one of my fav older songs) ;; and BEAUTIFUL IN SWAROSKI SUITS GUYSSSSSS. They didn't do the jacket dance since, yeah the jackets were pretty expensive HAHAHAH. Too bad.. They then had a long MC and started with Gravity and Tropical night (still wearing the suits). After changing their clothes (some kind of harness?)  they sung Crazy In love (finally a full version) and All In. The crowd really loved All In!!!!!!!! Then we had 20 minutes of solo stuff; the solo of Wonho, Minhyuk and Kihyun were my absolute favourite! It was so cute. The other solo’s were really good too!! The crowd died at Hyungwons and IMs solo though.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAH AFTER SOLO they sung From Zero (Seven member version) and oh my god Wonho looked so beautiful??? This song is so cute?? I can't remember much of Because of You im sorry ;; White love was really emotional, they didn't expect the banner project (1000days with monbebe) at all and really loved it. Rollercoaster was so cute live as well, they all pretended to sit in a rollercoaster lol. After they went off stage, the destroyer MV played AND I SCREAMED SO LOUD I WAS NOT READY, NO ONE WAS READY NO ONE! LITERALLY IM DEAD. But they bloody sung LOST IN THE DREAM and I was really lost in the dream, wow....... The vocals..... wow.. Im........................... it was so beautiful live. Guys, ive heard Kihyuns iconic high note (well a lot of people shouted OOOOFFFF BUT I STILL HEARD ONE OF MY FAV SONG I! CANT! BELIEVE!). Also very random to mention but Jooheon is one hell of a good performer, he was not even nervous and the stage was HIS BITCH, his rap and his stage aura are so mind-blowing.

I always joked they should play lost in the dream and destroyer after each other to let the fans die but they really did IT! The choreo of Destroyer was so good and fitted the song. In the beginning Wonho waved and gave a finger heart though... I was never a fan of Shine Forever, but It was so nice and also doing the fan chants! Rush is a song I used to skip but ooof, it was also very nice to hear. Monsta X really enjoyed singing Special too AND YESSSSSSSS FINALLYYYYYYY TRESPASS THE WHOLE CROWD WAS SO LIT WE ALL RAPPED ALONG AND IT WAS HONESTLY ONE OF THE BEST PERFORMANCES SO FAR IDGJKDSGS. They all positioned to the Dramarama pose and yes they did Dramarama!!!! but now the concert was about to end too :( Monsta X said they love Falling, Ive heard people say they love performing Falling and yes they REALLY LOVE FALLING. My heart was so full of uwu when I saw them performing falling, I love these babies so much :’). We showed them the banners during If Only again and Wonho, Minhyuk and Kihyun were really emotional and it was so sad to see this ending :( But I was about to meet these guys as well AAAAAAHHH. I dont know if it was Minhyuk or IM but one of them took of Wonho’s shirt lol and he threw it in a crowd. Before that they also took a group pic ;; tbh I wished they did Stuck and Hero as well, but overall I really loved the setlist so much.

Meet and greet Order: Wonho - Shownu - Kihyun - Minhyuk - Hyungwon - Jooheon - IM Usually when fans meet artist, fans are the ones talking to the artist but now Monsta X was rather talking to the fans, they were so sweet and they all had the most genuine and sweetest smile ever. The M&G was unfortunately very fast and I could only say  Wonho: I think he was still very sad and looked like he cried too but his hands are so soft ;; I thanked him and he nodded and gave a thumbs up lol Shownu: I knew it was his birthday in London so I told him a happy belated birthday ;; and he said thank you as well! Kihyun: ok, I may have said I love you instead of thank you AHHGHGHHGHAHAHG and yeah that was kihyuns reaction too he laughed and said thank you lol Minhyuk: He said thank you very much!! NO THANK YOUUU (while smiling so sweet) Hyungwon: Somehow he was very giggly but we both said thank you to each other!! Jooheon: We both said thank you to each other aaaaaahh IM: Since I barely had time (after hyungwon) I just told him thank you and he said the same ;; We then got a poster from the tour and the show was unforunately over :(( MMT announced a week before the concert there would be no merch so I didn't have a lightstick either so it was nice having a poster as a reminder (and the fans we got from the fansites ofc). Setlist (duration 2,5hours) 1. Jealousy 2. Be Quiet 3. Beautiful -- 4. Gravity 5. Tropical Night -- 6. Crazy in Love 7. All in -- 8. Wonho, Minhyuk, Kihyun - Neol Hada 9. Jooheon, Shownu - Versace on the Floor 10. Hyungwon, IM - Fake Love (Drake) 11. Hyungwon, IM - How long // another IM solo (not sure) -- 12. From Zero 13. Because of you 14. White Love 15. Rollercoaster -- 16. Lost in the dream -- 17. Destroyer 18. Shine forever -- 19. Rush 20. Special 21. Trespass -- 22. Dramarama *ENCORE* 23. Falling -- 24. If Only *Group pic*

Random moments -  They talked a lot of Dutch such as ‘I am...’, ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you’, ‘Fries with Mayo’. IM also wanted to say Sexy but he didn’t say Sexy and Jooheon said to erase our minds LMAO KSJKD he was so embarassed - In the beginning when Kihyun was talking about Hyungwon, Hyungwon looked at him and he kinda slapped away his face (Kihyun to Hyungwon) - Just before Crazy in Love, the group was devided into two to talk with fans (one group was changing their clothes) and Jooheon was doing a weird movement with his hand and was saying AY AY AY and the fans said it too, but then the other group came (Kihyun, Shownu, Hyungwon and Minhyuk) and they all looked honestly so confused and Kihyun was like ‘AY go change your clothes now’ and then Kihyun and Hyungwon were showing off their dance moves lol - Also during the live I started as the fourth row, but people behind me kept pushing and I was suddenly 2nd row and there is a higher place for the first row so my knees kept going on that and it hurted so much lmao - Shownu, IM and Jooheon went to Beyonce the day before and talked about how amazing it was (lmao fanboying on their own concert KAJDKSFJFS) and they also said we will make it possible for them to perform there one day ;;A;; - The day of the Amsterdam concert would be 1000 days with Monbebe we would show during If Only, but since London got cut off we weren't sure whether we would hear If Only and decided to do it during White Love. - Wonho, Minhyuk and Kihyun got teary at If Only - Their reactions to White love were so sweet :((�� - Our group hyped up every member whenever they were close to us. Hyungwon, Kihyun and Wonho noticed us a lot lol. Hyungwon waved at us too ;; - During FALLING Kihyun was drinking water and then he came to our side and you could see in his face he was about to do something and when the beat dropped he threw WATER ON US and I got so wet :((((( the fan next to me, her fan was all wet lmao.  - I got a lot of confetti in my face :’)  

[richigneven]

Buenos Aires Calling!

The signs could not have been much better: My first ‘vacation’ lasting more than a week since the awesome festival so called “gneven im grünen”, three concert tickets for my more or less favorite band ‘die toten hosen’- a band I have followed along down the road, which not only makes good music but also supports smaller bands, ethical correct NGO´s and sometimes even play in your living room if you are lucky AND the promising city of Buenos Aires, which goes as the Berlin of South America, or not even Latino American anymore. So my expectations were quite high as well, still they s were exceeded...

My hostel was great, although I arrived way too early they welcomed me with breakfast and showers. As I did not take the first internet recommendation I ended up in a 100% spanish-speaking community, from which a few studied and others sadly escaping war in Venezuela and some others doing whatever. Crazy those two things, first I could never do my exchange semester out of a dormitory, as I already troubled falling a sleep when not completely wasted- how do people snore louder than a airplane taking off? Second why have we reached the point that people need to escape their homes again and shouldnt we welcome them a little more than given them a bed in return of work? You find Venezuelans everywhere in South America right now...

Anyway, I wanted to get to know this European city, which at first glance showed off with nice facades, broken sidewalks and a walkable traffic situation (remember Im used to Lima at the moment, I actually got quite a cultural shock when people actually followed traffic rules and not everyone looked quite similar). I did a walking tour, and right away I saw it at its best, stunning buildings and cemeteries everywhere(at least in the right suburb..) Btw the popularity of their steaks is based on the flatness of the countryside of Argentina, cows actually do have some space to walk around and not need to be cooped up in some stall. Afterwards, I stumbled around myself, and by this is into a huge demonstration. All kinds of human protested in favor of rights for everybody, especially Woman and the LGBT scene. Every of the last ten years more than 200 women has be mudered by their husband or partners, I have heard about it before, but seeing the demonstration showed me how serious the issue is and how many must have suffered domestic violence. I followed along and was quite impressed by the creativity and number of participants. It seems like still the authorities dont really care, as this has been run for over a year now...

it really was endless...

I bet a better photografer would have made a good pic out of that!

Rushed from the energy of the protests I had a buncher Spätibeer (cerveza de ciosco) and decided to go see my friend from my old exchange semester in good old fresno..So we met 9 years ago and havent seen since. Ines were just working in a restaurant and I already had a few beers too many. So after she invited me for two more I tried too call it a night, which is always hard when you in a foreign city for the first time 10km away from your bed and trying to go by public transport. AllI know, I woke up in my hostel the next day and some blurry memories sitting in some other bar with some Germans, but I dont know why. Alright lets face it, probably the craving for more beer.

In the morning, I realized today would be the day I have never really imagined to become true. Seeing “Los Hosen” in Buenos Aires is said to be special. I always wanted to know what´s about it, because special is also sitting one hour in the” Berlin Ringbahn” and drink beer or the Chinese Wall, but neither gets a lot of my attention. After another day of enjoying various parts of the city I went in front of the venue, Museum, a buncher years ago crashed the stage in the second song and the concert was over. The first guys I approached were already a win in the lottery and I could not have asked for more. Spätibeer here and there and talks about everything what my Spanish has to offer. The show was crazy, a venue like SO36, long and narrow. A small terrace all around from which Campino (singer) jumped into the crowd and somehow mad his way back, totally red, as people did not want to let him go...A few punch were needed so he reached the stage again. 

The crowd of 800-1000, of which maybe 100 were German, freaked out at pretty much every single song. Decent singing along but even harder dancing along. Everybody full of energy, led by a Band which noticeably enjoyed to be part of it once again. After the concert I went further to a few more Bars or you could call it Club even, energy for those after concerts partys I usually do not have after concerts in Germany. This night, I got a ride home, across the entire city, letting somebody out at the bus station apparently is no option when you their “guest”.

Party people

The same reason, the next day, I was invited to a match of one of the biggest football teams over there.. Boca Juniors, it was really interesting to see such a steep stadium which shacks because everybody jumps and how fascinated all the players and fans are. But I certainly have friends which can analyze those events way more. Side note: Argentina has stopped to allow fans of the visiting teams for all league games, in order to prevent violence. A working approach, but defiantly not in the sense of the sport.

A couple more or less boring hard working days for my uni were interrupted by a Cover concert and even more interesting of a Concert of the Magic Mystery tour show in a house in Buenos Aires. You can apply ahead and if you lucky the Hosen come to give a show and the fans possibly destroy all you have. I talked to many people who at least once tried it, but these gigs are quite precious. Getting inside this house was not possible, but through same delays in my taxi I arrived for the last few songs of the concert, which was totally sufficient for me. Except the drummer, everybody got outside of the house once and of course Campino climbed every fence there exist on the premises. Afterwards, a little party in front of the fence took place and once again a intercultural understanding with hands and legs. Knowing a few words of Spanish certainly made the situation even more fun and allowed me buying beer in the cioscos around, which was hard as for some reasons they only wanted to sell cold beer, but to understand this I almost failed.

Campino not only gave its best during the show, the aftershowparty he won against everybody!

In front of the fence, it was still cleanable afterwards, nobody know about inside

Wow Wednesday already, but still two more official shows to go! The German Hosen fans, organized a bus tour to the town of the next venue, La Plata, which is 1-2 hours down south from BA. Ive almost missed the bus, due to lets face it: Hangoverness but also Credit Card issues, during which I kind of realized how screwed you could be in a foreign country. But all worked out and with 1 hour delay and a busdriver who ask after 1 hour ride where he actually supposed to head we were almost at our first stop: The barbeque party in some Argentina´s house. The owner just decided to through a party for everybody who wanted to come and as it was somebody´s birthday the owner bought beer and steaks for the most of them. (unluckily no grilled cheese, but this time people were at least to buy warm beer in the Späti next door) So i tackled my hangover from last night with a few beers and it become a really nice get-together with people from all parts of society, ages and regions of Germany and Argentina. The good bye was a kiss for the woman living there for everybody and the last existing steaks as “Schnittchen” for later. When was the last time you invited 70 unknown people to your backyard and when it comes to cleaning up they all get in a bus and you give them food and beer for the road?  Arriving in front of the venue the people once again couldnt even wait to party on and sang along the sound check inside which was with the song “Reisefieber”, so an old and popular one, this was promising. I dedicated myself to socialize and to the Späti´s around so once inside It starts to be more of a blur...I remember a few songs, some crowdsurfing, an amazing venue as very wide, once again energized Hosen, more beer(in cans btw) and a few special acts. Is there anything more to ask for? Claro, afterparty, but this is even more of a blur...With many more beer and whatsoever for everybody who was tired or just wanted to be sure to make it a good night we drove through la plata and some other parties over there...At some point i recall 7 people, from which I knew 1 slightly before but good times. At some point at 6 or 7 we returned to BA, I was already sleeping in the car for a while. But the others were still going strong not being tired at the moment. Such a day, no shower, one more sip of beer and straight to bed. I reckon I will never get closer to Punk rock than this before.

Days with the most drinks, usually the ones with the fewest pictures for me ;)

Next day started slowly, ended slowly but again a Coverband concert, Peru tied Argentina, so know it´s very interesting who is going to qualify and another day I made a nice tour through the party area of Palermo with two new friends. The show on Saturday was in a huge venue of 5000-7000 people. The living room of the Ramones, they said. Many other guest, setlist switched again and At least the first third of the concert everybody went crazy once more. With forgoing time, people got more relaxed and only half of the stadium jumped along..I mobilized my last strength and had an amazing time. Meeting people in the crowed I have met during the last week and giving them a possible last high five or smile.

Los hosen more or less announced the location of the aftershow party: the club we went the week before but I called it a night in some bar close to my hostel. A friend gave me his sweater to show once more how welcome I am here. Lots of promises of reuniting in whatever part of the world were mad and at some point I went home to my Hostel. I´m not sure if or when I will see this city and especially all those nice people again. But the times, friendlyness and in all kinds of situation and circumstances they gave me here will always be reminded in my brain and my heart. I now understand when los Hosen say they do not come for the music, they come to meet the people, I seldom received such a warm welcome of different people in various situations in several forms. As always I hope to be able to return the favor in a place where I can show people around and gave them a good time, but for now I can just say thank you!

rocknroll

last beer, this time for sure!

more impressions:

there he is!

street art

subway art

maybe next time Ill tell you about my first Spanish interview! ;)

[sickandvomiting]

multiples of twoooooo

Wow this was a lot of questions haha! Thank you!!!! It was fun :D

————-is your room messy or clean?Messy. Definitely messy.

do you like your name? why?No I don’t. It’s boring just reminds me of the Christian values that have been pushed in me since birth that I don’t agree with and that have caused me and my sister more harm than good over the course of our lives.

describe your personality in 3 words or lessSarcastic, caring, witty (????) Alternatively, quirky, asshole, and curious.

what kind of car do you drive? color?I drive a metallic grey Scion IQ. It’s tiny and fantastic.

how would you describe your style?Weird. And probably ill fitting for my body type but fuck society I’ll wear short shorts if I goddamn want to. Really though I have like two modes: biker girl with leathers and dew rags and skinny jeans, or crazy bright colors and patterns and overalls and flower crowns and converse. There’s no in between.

what size bed do you have? Twin. Lifted. It’s nice.

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?Austria. Just outside Wien, I think. Wien is one of the safest cities in the world to live, I already speak the language, many of my idols (composers) lived there and roundabouts, and there’s mountains and shit there which is super cool because here in OH it’s just flat for miles and miles and miles in every direction. favorite makeup brand(s)Ummmmmm, the cheap ones??? I can’t afford expensive shit…. Though I did get some eye shadows from online, a company called BH Cosmetics, for pretty cheap and they are FANTASTIC. So shiny.

favorite tv show?You can’t do this to me man I can’t choose just one there’s way way way too many that I LOVE.

how tall are you?5'2".

do you go to the gym? Nope. Too self conscious. I do work out but in my own home.

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?Ha. Haha. Ha. One single dollar. That’s it. One dollar and an empty debit card.

how many pillows do you sleep with?Like six or seven I wanna say? Honestly the pillows take up more of my little bed than I do.

how many friends do you have? A few close ones, and a couple not so close ones, and one or two acquaintances.

whats your favorite candle scent? CINNAMON. I love cinnamon scented ANYTHING.

3 favorite girl namesSaoirse, Jacqueline, and Fritzi haha

favorite actress? Currently probably Daisy Ridley just because she’s so frickin cute I die

favorite movie? I CANT CHOOSE ONE OH MY GOD

money or brains? BRAINS for sure. Money doesn’t matter.

how many times have you been to the hospital?I wanna say like three times in my entire life. And only twice to emergency services. Once for physical, once for mental. I’ve been in and out for studies and testing and ultrasounds and shit all the time but I don’t think that actually counts.

do you take any medications daily? I’m supposed to but have I been? No RIP

what is your biggest fear? Failure. And disappointing others. And being abandoned.

whats your go to hair style?The “I barely brushed this when. Woke up and haven’t washed it in like three days so I’m just gonna hide it under a hat” style. Or a high ponytail if a hat is too hot.

who is your role model? I have a lot of them. One is Sta//cy Pers//hall, a mental health activist and author with BPD. One is Hawkeye Pierce from M*A*S*H, minus the drinking and womanizing. Another is a cardiologist I shadowed who was honestly the sweetest man I’ve ever met. And there’s plenty more. Like, A LOT.

what was the last text you sent?To my sister: “Dad is being disgusting and racist help me”

what is your dream car? Pontiac GTO, 1967. Black. Those things are sexy as hell and they’ve got enough torque in there to make the good start bouncing when you rev the engine.

do you go to college? Yes. I’m a biomedical engineering major with minors in German and American Sign Language, and maybe a cluster in Piano Performance who knows hahawould you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? UGH rural for sure. I’ve always wanted to live on a huge plot of land in the country. Own goats and cows and horses and chickens and lots of cats. Maybe have a small field to grow and sell sweet corn and a corner of the big yard designated to fruit trees and blueberry bushes.

do you have freckles? If I get enough sun, I get a few light ones on the bridge of my nose. Other than that, no.

how many pictures do you have on your phone? Too many. I hoard pictures it’s kinda bad.

do you still watch cartoons? No not really. I watch some animated films *cough*Ghibli*cough* but those are hardly cartoons.

Favorite dipping sauce? Ummmmm ranch??? Maybe FLG sauce from KFC just because I lived on that shit for the year I worked there in high school?

have you ever won a spelling bee?Yeah. Won the class then the school-wide one in fourth grade, went on to counties and then got out on some stupid hard word when the kid before me had the word “ballerina” and the kid after me had “thunderstorm”. Fuckin BALLERINA AND THUNDERSTORM. I’m still goddamn salty all these years later.

can you draw? I like to think so haha

what was the last concert you saw? Tony Bennett, still alive and kicking and a great showman at 90 years old. He did the last song a Capella with no microphone and honestly it was one of the greatest things I love him.

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?Don’t really give a fuck but since Starbucks is more available at my school, Starbucks.

what is your crush’s first and last initial?Don’t really have crushes. More squishes. And a lot of them. Hahawhat color looks best on you? Dark reds and oranges, probably. They match my hair.

do you sleep with your door open or closed?Closed. I’ve got a personal AC unit in my room and I ain’t sharin’ that with the whole rest of the house. No way that cold air is mine.

what is your biggest pet peeve? There’s a lot of them. Mansplaining and patronization are up there, chewing loudly is too, getting unreasonably upset about tiny things, belittling people for things they can’t control (or literally anything else), bad spelling/grammar in educated native speakers which shows that they’re just not trying…. basically everything my dad does….

favorite ice cream flavor? Cake batter, cotton candy, mint chocolate chip, and cookies and cream.

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? RAINBOW.

what is your phone background?A picture of my lovely cat, Cheddar.

do you like it when people play with your hair?Depends on the context.

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?When I shower and sometimes in the mornings if I have time. At night if I wore makeup that day but that’s rare.

have you ever been drunk? Nope. Which is simultaneously a good thing and kind of unfortunate. favorite lyrics right nowMozart’s entire “Leck mich im Arsch”. A beautiful and wholesome piece. \s

day or night? Night. I love the stars. Also the temps are way lower so walking at night is nice

favorite month? Tied between December and February. December is Christmas and my sister and Beethoven’s birthdays (they share one), and February is my birth month.

who was the last person you cried in front of? Campus public safety I think. I was having a panic attack at like 4 am in the lounge and someone called public safety to make sure I was all right and they found me bawling, hyperventilating, rocking back and forth, and ripping a newspaper to shreds. They were a little confused to say the least haha

[anja-mittags]

@simplyirenic tagged me just as i was creeping on @lahmly‘s post so haha. i hope im doing this right? am i supposed to answer all the questions before the taggers additional ones? Oh well!

1.  Who was the first player who caught your eye with football (whether or not you still like them)? Bastian bloody Schweinsteiger, yes I know, what, what how Miro was right there, right in front of you. Mhhmm. let’s not talk about it. Now, it’s mostly complicated because Manchester United happened MLS??? anyway, yeah, that dumb hothead was the first. (I should’ve gone for fips. let’s be real)

2.  How did you get into football?  Into your favorite teams? Much like Ireny, my father was the initial push, we would watch lots of international/south american teams and competitions. I didn’t get into club football until much much later. I, too, had an excellent german teacher and that sparked my eternal love for Germany (and well, Peru hasn’t qualified since before I was born so I needed a WC team.)

3.  If you could undo any transfer that’s ever happened, which would you undo and why? I don’t hold many grudges but probably some of the kids we’ve sold off at Bayern. If I may veer off the Buli course, Joey Allen, welsh extraordinaire for Liverpool because I’m still boggled at that. He was so good, and he did so much. Miss ya Joey.

4.  What’s your favorite shameless dance party song? Anything by Kesha. Though that’s more flailing and bopping. If you want to see me actually dance there’s more of a chance with some spanish songs. Love me some salsa. (I’m terrible at dancing in general. I can do a handy Waltz tho)

5.  What language that you’re not already fluent in do you most want to learn? German? The given answer is German but I also really like Polish and Swedish. the green owl of duolingo is probably glaring at me from the app grave.

6.  What’s the one thing you always take with you when you start a new life chapter (a book, an old toy, a picture, etc.)? A good thing about technology is having pictures and stuff stored on phones and generally accessible things but I have a couple of books I keep handy and I have a tiny teddy bear that’s from when I was a wee one.

7.  Do you have pets?  What kinds? Yes, I have a cat named Willow who is a middle-aged brat. I actually got her from my neighbors when my first cat ran away (long story) because their mom or someone in their household was allergic and she’s a doll. Much nicer than my first cat.

8.  What retirement hurts you The Most? Philipp Lahm No actually yes. I don’t know. Let’s not think about it. 

9.  What is your favorite match ever played? Robert Lewandowski losing his mind and scoring five goals in 9 minutes right around my birthday so I personally felt vindicated? Hahah. Actually if I had to pick in the last three years, I think the Europa League match between Liverpool and Dortmund for club. Finally, finally, beating Italy in the Euro for international. And okay, Miro scoring in the semifinal against Brazil.

10. What’s your most ridiculous piece of football fan-paraphenalia (that weird hat your mom got you, the free wrist warmers you picked up outside a stadium, the bayer leverkusen condoms your friend gave you as a joke, etc) I don’t really have anything ridiculous, though I have come close to buying some weirdly self-indulgent paraphernalia on Ebay. Frauke sent me an ad with Anja in it from a magazine, does that count? I just have the basics, jersey and scarves.

11. What season/tournament would you go back in time to experience now if you could see any one you wanted? I really really want to own like a dvd set of the world cup okay, im never over it. but agreed with Ireny the 12/13 treble season no doubt.

BONUS 12 (because it’s a good question but i didn’t want to repeat):  What about your favorite player makes them your favorite?

I love Manuel Peter Neuer because.....just kidding. this is actually like strangely hard to articulate. I love Fips because he’s such a strategist. He’s so smart in the way he plays and downright devious when he gets mad. I love Anja because I have a thing for humble elevens. She’s not really selfish with the ball? Basti was all about what he brought to the team (and Lukas too) he was very much the beat of the heart.

1. Planes, trains, or automobiles? Trains definitely. I don’t like the recycled air of planes and I can’t sleep on a plane unless I completely exhaust myself so.

2. If you had to switch your football team to another in each league you regularly follow, which team/s would you start supporting?

Tricky! I have always said things might’ve gone differently if I found more Schalke friends because I could’ve really tossed in my lot with them or even Augsburg?? If the German trio hadn’t been at Arsenal and my other self Santi Cazorla hadnt decimated City that one time, I probably would’ve been strictly a Liverpool supporter. Now, I’ve got divided loyalties and hate the EPL for putting me through this. As for the women, I think Montpelier? and Potsdam. oh, and Man City women.

3. What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever seen happen at a football match? Not strange per se but live in front of me, the german women’s national team giggling over the anthem being sung atrociously.

4. What was the last concert you went to? Bastille in Brooklyn!!! Part of their new tour. I’ve been super fortunate to catch them for both their American tours when they put out an album.

5. If you were given the chance to go into space to colonise a different planet, would you? I love how everyone gives an explanation for nah they’re not qualified. Meanwhile, I say yes. take me off this space rock. As long as I can keep up with the football scores.

6. Do you have a favourite type of goal? What type of goal is it? I do love long range goals. and the weird kicks(Oli with the scorpion kick). Probably the Xabi Alonso patented set piece goals. BUT my absolute favorite type of goal are the goals scored by defenders (and not just the it’s a set piece lets bring up all our tall defenders to head it in type but the genuine, how do I celebrate a goal, it only happens when the planets align I actually got up here and kicked it into the right spot defender goal)

7. Who’s a player that you used to dislike, but have come around to? (If one such exists) Neymar? Half of the Spain national team? Fernando Torres There’s a lot of players I have come around to because I’m old and I’m tired of the football drama haha.

8. How about a team that you used to dislike but have come around to? Real Madrid because I met so manyyy fans that crossed my path and generally have a team in common with me. I don’t actively root for them but I wish them the best with my estranged son Toni and Colombian nugget James. I’m slowly coming around to OL Feminin because Maro is there.  

9. Would you rather be a recognised artist/genius often on television and in the papers, or a reclusive artist/genius without your face publically connected to your works? The latter. I want to be Lemony Snicket.

10. Which pair of shoes do you most regularly wear? My “house shoes” which are basically flip flops past their prime. I also have comfy boots for the winter.

11. Would you take a penalty kick in a final of The Big Game? Or would you prefer to let a teammate take care of it?

Definitely a teammate. That’s too much pressure. Nope nope.

Ireny’s questions!! :DD

1. What’s your favorite football-related possession?

I have a current season Philipp Lahm jersey and my Bayern scarf is soft and kinda worn. Both were Christmas presents from @goetzed

2. Have you ever met your favorite football player or seen them play live? If you haven’t, what would you tell them?

Yes! Not to bore you with the details but I got to see Bayern on their US tour in 2014 so I got to see Lewy and Holger and Tobi Schweinsteiger. Pizarro scored a goal. It was fabulous. and I got to see the Gerwnt and Leonie scored! I got to see Stevie play for LA Galaxy! And I got to see Fips and Xabi and David in the last US Tour at Metlife. I’m hoping to see Basti with Chicago Fire this year (THEY PLAY MY HOME TEAM ON MY BIRTHDAY) and I’ll probably burst into noisy sobs and look terrible. I haven’t met anyone personally tho. 

3. What are your top three comfort foods?

Arroz con leche (rice pudding but I swear it’s like a thousand times better than the stuff you buy at grocery stores.) Papa a la Huancaina ( I talked about this before) Ice cream, just some good old ice cream, usually with some sort of bits/chunks of stuff.

4. What‘s your favorite uplifting bit of news you’ve heard this week?

I think I really like the girl who got accepted into all the Ivy Leagues? That’s pretty dope. I also like the transgender veteran who recently transitioned.

5. Have you ever played football yourself? What position did you play? If not, what position do you think you’d like to try?

I don’t think so. I mean my dad managed a local team and my brother played for a bit recreationally but like I probably kicked a ball and called it a goal as a toddler. I’ve always thought about this and I think I might be best suited for midfield. or maybe a defensive winger? I’m pretty short so. A goalie would be awesome but I have a feeling I would suck at it. 

6. Would you rather watch a TV show with interesting characters and a terrible plot, or boring characters and an interesting plot?

So interestingly enough, this came up randomly during the week and it was related to fanfiction and how it should be deemed it’s own form of literature. and I think it made a lot of sense because I would probably watch a terrible plot with super interesting characters. Characters engage me more than a trite plot you know?

7. You can make one change to a rule in football or implement a new one. What is it?

I think I like the idea of a soft red card or the “orange” card in theory at least, instead of throwing them out of the game completely, have a set amount of time off the field, like in hockey. But it probably wouldn’t work given the nature of football and its players. OKAY actually, one thing Ive been sort of tinkering with mentally is totally disallowing own goals? because that shit is awful. Maybe adding more added time if an OG happens? again, really impractical but in theory I would love to get rid of OGs.

8. In xXx: Return of Xander Cage, Neymar is Samuel L Jackson’s first choice footballer to join the fake Avengers. Who would you ask instead?

Xabi Alonso and Gigi Buffon. Make them seduce people. They’ll get the intel. It’s probably Xabier’s Cool Girl Guy dream.

9. What’s a fic trope you wish more people would write?

not a trope but anything with other WNTs besides the US/NWSL centric. Fake married is always a good one or the closely related, woke up married. Time travel/soft scifi tropes because I LOVE THEM. Anything with magic. One trope I love and don’t want to write myself because taking a stab at it wont do it justice is Reincarnation AU?

10. What’s your favorite natural phenomenon?

Aurora Borealis. or Meteor showers.

11. There is no eleventh question because I’m the worst at thinking up questions. Instead post your favorite football photo here.

this took me an embarrassing amount of time to finish. I tag @goetzed @bananasplit86 @ben-woodburn and whoever else wants to do it!

As for adding questions, these are good questions and I really have nothing to add besides BONUS QUESTION: what’s next on your buy list? or what would you like to get if you had some extra cash to spend?

[lesbean-has-moved]

My sister is a the best at writing

Written by my sister here you go! The key code clicked outside his door... He opened his eyes and glanced toward the door, juuuuust enough time to see the green flashing light against a slick concrete hallway. His only sign that anything existed outside his own dark polished concrete walls, floor and ceiling. Way down here... At the bottom of a large complex, hidden beneath the metal and concert sky of the hospital hundreds of feet above. How long had he been down here? Chained to a bed, locked in a room and hidden from all humanity? ... Well... Not all humanity. He thought to himself as a woman walked over with a tray in her hands. He's gone through 15 nurses, they last about a month, at most, and most end up insane by the time he was done with his games. If they wanted to lock him up for research, he'd do a little on his own about the humans. It was a matter of time before this new nurse (who holds the record for not going insane) broke under his systematic procedure of learning about their psyche. "Today is a big day." Said the woman. The lights has not been activated as of yet and he wondered why. "Is it your birthday?" He asked dryly. "No." "My birthday?"  "Wrong again." "Oh wait wait! I got it... Giant purple fish have fallen from the sky and infected the oceans and all the cars in New York have been turned to ice cream!!" He said sarcastically with just enough of seriousness to prick. There was a pause in the rhythmic echoes of her footsteps. He heard the tray being placed on a small bedside table. "And you wonder why people worry for you..." She said. He could hear the smile in her voice. "Today marks your 300th day here!" "Oh how wonderful..." Finally, he asked the question he'd been meaning to ask since the beginning, "Why are the lights still off?" He heard her suppress a sigh, "Power outage across the city. They used our generators to power the hospital." Why did she sound so upset? No one cared about those locked in "C-PIC (The Complex for Patients in Inventive Care)" This is where the most dangerous, insane, or odd cases are sent to be treated (or not) and be wiped from humanity's memory. Those locked in C-PIC are the damned souls of humanity. No one cared. Those who worked there are only there for research. So... Why sound upset? Did she have something to lose? Suddenly, the lights flicked on and he was thankful his eyes were closed. He slowly opened them to see a woman standing by the switch messing with the controls. He could vaguely see the outline of the earpiece on her ear. She turned and smiled, "Room 628 doesn't have a patient and will be quarantined until they get it sterilized. Which will be a while. So... I thought we could borrow their power for a while. Or rather..." She paused annoyed, "Take back our power." She walked over to him, "You know the drill. I'm going to get your vitals, take some labs, monitor brain, heart and lung function, do a psych eval, and then..." She paused again lowering her voice, "Im going to get you out of those chains." Had he heard her right? She was going to let him go? She reached her slender figure over him and hit a button to pull up the monitor. After hooking him up she recorded his vitals, brain, heart, and lung function on a holographic image projected in front of her. Finally she drew labs. All the normal labs he'd seen before... Except... One bottle was unmarked... She drew that one last and slipped it into her pocket. "Where does that go?" He asked, offhandedly. "Oh this?" To his surprise she pulled it back out. "Im running a few tests in room and so it doesn't need to go up to the lab." In-room tests... That was a new one. What was she doing...?  "In...room...tests..." He let out a huff of air, "You guys are coming up with new stuff everyday..."  "Do you want treatment or not?" She asked half joking. "I don't need treatment." She now, was was typing something and staring at her screen.  "Uh....huh...." She said obviously distracted and slightly sarcastic. She took out the unmarked vial of blood, opened a panel on the wall a put the bottle inside. Hitting a button on the screen she started a series of tests. "Aren't you going to eat?" He looked down at his confines and back at her. "Oh, right! Here..." He watched her closely as she opened the foot restraints. It was the first time in 300 days he had felt the fabric that had burned his ankles leave. He moved them suspiciously and slowly. He kept to himself what he knew all the other nurses knew and what she should have known, working with him this long: he could still move in the chains without taking them off as long as the chain was long enough. They had made sure he wouldn't have to be unrestrained at all. She opened the hand restraints. He... Was free. He stared at the friction burns on his wrists. "Hey! Space cadet!" He blinked and looked at her. "Yes?" "Eat." "Why?" "Why not?" "I'm not hungry." "Freedom's an appetite suppressant huh?" She laughed. "This is why you need treatment." "I don't. You people just so happen to enjoy poking things you don't understands with sticks."  "Would you just eat so I can enter something in your chart?"  "Why so you can check off another box?" The woman stopped. "Unless you want about seven more people here running more tests I'd suggest you eat something." He groaned but obliged. She walked over and checked on her in room tests and started singing. A soft melody in a language he couldn't place. A beeping sound echoed through the room. He saw the woman answer her phone. "What?" She asked annoyed then something in her demeanor changed. "I'm on my way up." She walked back over, apologetic. "I've been called upstairs to meet with my supervisors. I'll have to put you back in bed before I go up." Was that a hint of annoyance he heard? He laid back down on the bed fully noting how she put on and took off the restraints. Once he was back staring at the ceiling he listened to her rhythmic steps until the door closed and he was immersed in darkness again. They had better have a reason for this... I thought walking back out of the C-PIC. After unlocking and re locking the 46 doors between my last patient and the elevator, each with a different code. I went up the elevator that I was forced to continue speaking to provide it with a voice sample for it to work. I reached the main floor. 5 more doors and then a guard then maybe I could exit to the main hospital where my supervisors were. Throwing open the door to their office I began, "What? You know I was right in the middle of rounds! This couldn't have waited for like 15 minutes?" My supervisor frowned deeply. Let him. I wasn't the one locking people down in the basement of the hospital to experiment on them. "Ms. Ayres... These are--"  "I'm aware of who they are." I said, fully noting the man in a red, white and blue skin tight jumpsuit. "Why are they here?"  "They're here to see patient 5654." Really? They were here to see Luke? How did they know about the C-PIC? "Sir..." I began, "I highly advise against bringing anyone to see Patient 5654." "They will be escorted down." "Sir! He is very ill. I do not recommend anyone be in proximity to him." "Ms. Ayres... They will be escorted down." He frowned even deeper, which I didn't know was possible. "Do you or do you not want your job?" I leaned in close.  "I signed up for this job to help people so that's what I'm doing."  He glared but be didn't scare me. "They will be taken to Patient 5654. That's an order Ms. Ayres."  "I am not responsible for what happens to anyone then." I leaned in even closer, "And if something does happen... Don't think for one second that I wouldn't press charges if I see fit."  "Is that all Ms. Ayers?" He asked in feigned boredom.  "Yes sir." I turned toward the small group of people I was escorting, "Follow me." I walked briskly out of the room. Spotting the corridor I needed to take I called back to the group as I sped up, "Whatever you do... Keep following me! Should you take a wrong turn there may be nothing we can do for you. Also--" I passed through the first door. Which happened to be a stone block wall. One had to work up a certain amount of speed to clear to door or it feels like a stone wall too. I barely avoided the real concrete wall on the other side of the corridor. Another security measure to make sure that only the people who are supposed to be here can make it in or out. I stepped out of the way just in time to miss the clowns come tumbling through the rabbit hole. I was tempted to let them find the concrete wall on their own but I decided I wanted to keep my job a little while longer. "WATCH OUT!!" I yelled. Half of the idiots turned towards me asking "What?" Before slamming into the wall. The other half was smart enough to brace themselves before plowing into wall. "Welcome to the Complex for Patients in Inventive Care or C-PIC for short." I said in my best tour guide voice. Mr. Red, White and Blue looked around and scoffed, " 'Inventive Care'? What does that mean?"  "It means these patients are subjects--" The word tasted bitter and stung my ears... They weren't just subjects... They were people. They may be different but... That's no reason to treat them less than human. I cleared my throat and started again, "they are subjects in new and inventive care techniques. These are patients that are so very ill that they sign up to test certain treatments that may be considered... Unorthodox. However, even they are still people with rights like you and I. Follow me, and remember.... Stay close." I passed by Joey, the security guard who stopped me, eyeing my entourage of idiots, "They've been given clearance to see Patient 5654 by the Board." I explained. Joey paled visibly at the mention of Patient 5654.  "Are...are you sure this is a good idea?" He whispered to me. "No." I said with confidence, "I think it's a horrible idea." Joey nodded and let us pass. "What was that about?" Asked one of the men in a slick black suit. "A security check. One of many here--" "No. Why did he look like he's seen a ghost?"  "Oh. I told him which patient I was taking you to see. No one likes that patient much. Joey's girlfriend used to be a nurse here but she went insane after taking on this patient and now she's institutionalized. He feels responsible for getting her the job."  "Oh..." Trailed the man in the suit.  "When we're in the elevator don't say a word please." I said in a warning tone as we approached the elevator. I pressed the button to the elevator, it read my fingerprint and opened saying in a cheerful voice "Good afternoon Ms. Ayers! Lovely day isn't it?" The group started in surprise. "Yes it is." I answered the elevator as I held the door, motioning for them to get in. "Where to Ms. Ayers?" Asked the elevator. "Floor Z." After a moment I added, "I have authorized guests accompanying me today."  "Excellent Ms. Ayers. Oh-- I seem to need a clearance code and identity verification for that floor." Said the elevator apologetically. "You mean other than my voice?" I asked. "I'm afraid so Ms. Ayers."  I sighed, "Clearance code 004-9268-688." Then I walked over to the wall and did the fingerprint and retina scan. Finally, the elevator (whom I nicknamed Elly) said, "Security code and identity accepted. Going down." I breathed a sigh of relief. "Wow..." Uttered one of the men. Suddenly the elevator slammed into a halt, throwing us all to the ground, the lights went out and Elly started screaming, "UNIDENTIFIED VOICE DETECTED!! INFORMING AUTHORITIES NOW!!"  "NO NO NO ELLY!" I screamed back over the sirens. "I have authorized guests!!! Vocal Override: Admin Myst Ayers." It didn't help Elly was still screaming,  "VOCAL OVERRIDE DENIED!!"  "Elly! This is Admin. Myst Ayers! Override code 68377433!"  "OVERRIDE CODE DENIED!"  "What?!" I yelled back annoyed and confused. "OVERRIDE CODE DENIED!! ARMED RESPONSE INITIATED!" Repeated Elly in a panic. The sound of several mechanisms locking into place could be heard behind the wall of the elevator. I knew all too well that they were several weapons of various classifications, sizes and effects. I felt my heart flutter, the beginnings of panic. It wasn't responding to my vocal commands... Picking myself up I jumped over to the control panel and ripped off the plate. I hit a series of override codes as the sirens got louder and louder until... They stopped all at once. "Going down!" Came Elly's normal pleasant voice. I slid down the wall in relief for a moment before getting up, "Who was that?" I growled at the terrified group of people standing with me in the elevator. One of the men cast his eyes down. I marched over to him, "Don't..." I began, enunciating my words very clearly, "do... That... Again. Understood?" He nodded. I began addressing the whole group, "Do what I say unless you want to get yourself and everyone else here killed! There are security measures in place here that are to prevent unauthorized entry and exits."  "Arrived." Said Elly in a cheerful tone, "Floor Z. Have a good day Ms. Ayers."  "Thanks Elly." I mumbled as it took another fingerprint scan to exit the elevator. After everyone was safely out of the elevator I walked 3 feet to a heavy steel door. Punching in the code it opened and I motioned for them to go through. As soon as we stepped into the hallway the sound of screaming, moaning, hysterical laughter and machines filled the air. It was an odd assortment of sounds... I never quite got used to. "Come on. I said after a moment letting the noises skin into their thick skulls. As we began to move down the short hallway toward the second of 46 doors one of the men asked, "What... What are those noises?"  "That would be the patients in their daily treatments." I answered. "But... The laughing?" Asked Star Spangled and Stupid. I shouldn't really call them stupid but in what I've witnessed personally my faith in these people was hovering right around zero.  "That would also be the patients." I said acknowledging how weird it sounded, "These patients are... Different than the others on higher floors. Typically the more dangerous, bizarre, or concerning cases occupy the lower levels." I could tell they understood by the silence that followed the statement. After three more doors another spoke up, cocky and perpetually sarcastic, "what exactly is so different about the patient we're going to see?"  "Oh he... Currently hold the record for the most nurse casualties. Granted most were suicides from insanity but he's the common factor in all the cases." I heard the man take a breath to say something else before another interrupted,  "Is it much further?"  "We have 42 more doors to go."  "Why so many?" Asked a third voice, nervous and softer than the others. "To prevent unauthorized entry and exits by anyone so choosing to walk these halls."  "Are there many who try to escape?" "Occasionally. I personally have had 4 try to make it to the main hospital. None made it passed the second door before they were taken back to their rooms." We walked the rest of the way I silence. Finally, we made it to the door of patient 5654. I typed in the entrance code to the door and it swung open, after everyone was inside the small compartment I let the door shut. The sound of an airlock could be heard and a green light flicked on through the darkness. I walked to the opposite wall where another door was waiting. I gave my vocal, fingerprint, retina and DNA identification and then typed in the several security access codes. The door opened and I walked in. The room was dark... And cold. I rushed forward in the darkness knowing my way around. I got to the emergency light and flicked it on. Blood drained from my face and adrenaline flooded my body. Sitting in the middle of the room was an empty bed, covered in ice and blood...  "LOCK IT DOWN!" I screamed into my earpiece, "Stay here!" I yelled to the group as I sprinted back toward the door. The lockdown sequence was already beginning. The red emergency lights flicked on as the power was cut off, and all doors began to lock and their electronic mechanisms turned off. The quarantine door that blocked an exit was closing fast. I sprinted harder. At the last second I slid on stomach making it barely. I rolled, found my footing and began sprinting out. I heard someone in my earpiece, "Ayers! What's going on?" It was my supervisor. Great... I didn't need him breathing down my neck about this. But I also need my job... "Patient 5654's location is unknown. Lock down not only the C-PIC but the main hospital as well! Nothing gets in or out!" I could audibly hear him frown as I barked orders at him, but he didn't know what this man was capable of. And what scared me the most was... Neither did I. Barely making by another door I kept going. He wouldn't escape. He-- my thought was cut off as I slammed into a quarantine door. "DARN IT!" I yelled. I was trapped, and losing time... I staggered back a few paces until my back was pressed up against the door behind me. If I was going to do this needed as much room as I could. Closing my eyes and breathing deeply I sprinted forward gaining as much speed as a could. As the door came closer and closer I realized I didn't have enough speed... But just at the last second I felt the ground give way. Blackness was all around me and I could feel a cold breeze as I ran. I reached my hands out and ripped through the air like I was tearing a curtain aside. In reality that's kind of what I was doing. Tearing the curtain of the space time continuum so as to become malleable enough myself to pass through space and time. Unfortunately I didn't have enough time before or during the trip to locate the patient so I dropped myself in the main hospital lobby. People jumped as skidded to a halt in the middle of all of them. My earpiece finally recalibrated itself after the trip and I heard my supervisor, "WHERE. IS. AYERS! Someone get me coordinates on her NOW!"  "I here sir. In the main lobby. Have you gotten the patient's coordinates yet?" I asked slightly out of breath though admittedly more from panic than fatigue. "No. He seems to have found a way to jam the system."  "Keep trying to find him..." I said. My supervisor began to say something else but I couldn't hear him. I retreated deep within myself remembering the brain function frequencies of Luke I sent out a pulse of that frequency telepathically. Well, telepathy is the only word close enough to what was actually occurring. Really all beings have the ability to retreat deep within themselves and interpret the Mental Energies of others. Which is an unseen force that resides in all living beings. This force stores, forms and recalls all memories, emotion, thought and stimulation received by the brain both conscious and unconscious. Everyone's mental frequency is different. Like a fingerprint only this one you can't lose or hide it from those who had learned to interpret the Mental Energies of others. When the pulse returned I had contact. Exhaling I saw the room fall away, in my mind's eye, and I zero in on Luke. A door appeared. I chose not to enter at the given juncture. As tempting as it was to enter his mind I needed him detained. I took off in the direction of the frequency. He was on the fourth floor of the hospital, in the stairwell, heading toward the helicopter landing site. Ignoring the elevators (much to the disappointment of my aching muscles) I leaped into the stairwell. Luke stopped; eyeing me before taking off. He was four floors above me and I knew using the stairs wouldn't get me there fast enough. Jumping up on one of the handrails I said a little prayer and jumped. My hands found the next floors handrail on the opposite side of me. Using the momentum from my first jump a jumped again. I kept this up until the 7th floor where I saw the door leading to the hallway swing shut. I was gaining on him. I threw open the door and sprinted toward him. Turning a corner he threw a gurney in my wake. It crashed into me landing a direct blow to my stomach. I tumbled forward dazed and trying to catch my breath. In my earpiece I heard the lockdown forces commander, "We have patient 5654 in our sights. I repeat patient 5654 is in range."  "Don't..." I tried to say but the breathe was still gone. Panic settled into my chest. I pulled a tranquilizer syringe out of my pocket. They couldn't just kill him... Realizing my voice was useless I got up and began to chase Luke once again. He was running through the surgery wait room (the second largest lobby in the hospital) and in the skylights above I saw the snipers. I felt my breath return. "DO NOT ENGAGE!!" I screamed into my earpiece. "Ms. Ayers..." My supervisor said warningly. "We have a clear shot..." Trailed the commander. "DO NOT ENGAGE!!" I yelled again. There was silence on the other end. "If we're going to have any chance of ending this we need to take the shot NOW." Warned the commander. "Ayers... What are you doing?!" Growled my supervisor. "Saving a life!"  "Sir...?" Ventured the commander. "Fire when ready commander." Answered my supervisor. "NO!" I screamed, "I CAN MAKE IT!"  "Get ready!" I heard the commander call to his brothers. My muscles burned, and my lungs screamed for air that I couldn't provide them. I ran hard, gaining little by little on him. Finally, he was in range. I fell forward threw the syringe, hoping to God that my aim wasn't off. It wasn't. The syringe hit him in the back of the shoulder. He immediately fell to the ground. Standing, I walked over to his limp body; panting hard. Hitting a button on the wall a hovering gurney came up from the floor underneath Luke. I began to push it back toward the C-PIC entrance. Just as I reached it I heard the PA system come on, "Ladies and Gentlemen... We apologize for the inconvenience the hospital is now a code blue." Then there was a long beeping noise. Memory eraser. They were erasing the incident from everyone's memories that was not a C-PIC employee. That's how this whole complex stayed hidden. I never saw it as fair... But those affected could never tell difference. The earpiece was what kept me and the the employees safe from the effects. I wondered if Luke would remember when he woke up. He was in a capsule that's soundproof but after the tranquilizer I wasn't sure what all he'd remember. At the C-PIC entrance another nurse was waiting, "I'll take him back to his room. The Board Director wants to see you." I sighed annoyed. I really didn't want to have to deal with him any more today. "Keep. Him. Sedated." I ordered as clearly as I could. The nurse nodded and I went for the second time that day to meet with my supervisor. Throwing open the door to his office I trudged in; sweaty, out of breath, and very annoyed. Standing all around were the idiot group from before. Standing with their mouths gaping open. "What?" I asked my supervisor, ignoring the shock show the group was giving me. My supervisor said nothing. One of the men from the group, a monster of a man with flashy armor spoke in a deep voice, "How did you do that?"  "Do what?" I snapped. "Manage to catch him." "It's my job genius. I wasn't just hired because of my looks your know."  "Yes but..." The man shifted uncomfortably, "Do you know what he is?" That's a rude question... I thought. "Obviously not." I said aloud deciding now would not be a good time to be rude. The man opened his mouth in what I thought was going to be an answer, instead what I got was another question,  "You are, in fact, a mortal yes?" Was he serious?  "Yes." I said trying not to add 'you moron!' He gave me a look that clearly said he didn't believe me but no one said anything else. Suddenly, a voice exploded in my eardrum,  "WE HAVE A CODE 18 ON FLOOR Z PATIENT 5654!" Everyone looked up silent. "What's going on?" I called into my earpiece as I ran for the C-PIC. "The patient is having some kind of seizure. He's screaming and-" the connection was cut off. Sprinting down, I finally reached Luke's room. Several nurses were standing outside, discussing something and yelling orders at other nurses. As I neared the room I was stopped by a large security office who nearly took my arm off as I ran by him. "This is a restricted area. Only those with authorized clearance may enter." Seriously...?  "He's my patient!!" I yelled exasperated. "Clearance code?" Asked the officer doubtfully. "004-9268-688." I said annoyed. "You're clear." I shoved passed him and ran into the room. Luke was lying on his bed screaming and struggling against four nurses. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?!" I growled to the charge nurse who took him down, "I GAVE YOU STRICT ORDERS RO KEEP. HIM. SEDATED!!!"  "He is! I gave him a dose of fentanyl and he started this..."  "What?" I asked confused, "how much Fentanyl did you give him?" "10cc. The standard dose. Is he allergic?"  "No..." I trailed trying to think of the cause for what was happening, "no he's not... " there was a strange mumbling in the background but paying attention to it wouldn't help me understand what was happening t my patient so I ignored it. I ran over to Luke, his skin was ice cold and turning grey. Taking out my flashlight I checked his eyes. They were rolled back in his head. He seemed to be fighting to remain conscious. I took the tranquilizer syringe out of his shoulder. "I need a blood sample!" I called to the charge nurse. "And how do you propose we get that?" He answered from his position holding Luke down.  "Good point..." I mutter. His screams were indiscernible, but I had heard that tone before. A desperate call, a warning.... "Give him a dose of Narcan and keep him warm! " I called as an idea formed in my head.  "I thought you told me to keep him sedated!" called the charge nurse throughly confused. "DO IT!" I screamed, "I think he's been given an overdose of something. His breathing pattern is slow and weak." Kyle, the charge nurse, went to grab the some warm water, while I ran to get the Narcan. The noise from earlier still played in the background, more incessant, i continued to ignore it. When I grabbed it from the store room something caught my eye; the projector. The in room test! There had to be something in that sample I took earlier... There had to... I pulled up the sample and gasped staggering back a step. There were crystalline formations in his blood. Any trauma to the vessel or blood would spark the crystal formations to spread, sealing off the passage and repairing the trauma before retreating. I had never seen anything like it before. Taking a drop of fentanyl I dropped it into the sample. Nothing... The sample remained the same. Good. It's wasn't the fentanyl. But... What was it? What was causing this reaction? Sticking my hand into my pocket I felt around for my flashlight. I felt the small thin tube and pulled it out. I let out an annoyed sigh. It wasn't my flashlight. It was that stupid tranquilizer syringe. I held it up to throw it across the room when I notice a small amount of red liquid in the bottom of the syringe; blood! It must have gotten some return from the wound! Taking the syringe I carefully dropped some of the new blood sample into a new slide. A second projector image popped up. This, most recent, sample had a striking difference to the blood I took only a hour or so before. This sample had what looked like thick grey netting strung through it. Taking the remainder of the blood in the syringe I dropped it carefully into the first sample. Nothing. Frustrated, I got the dose of Narcan into a fresh syringe. The projector beeped. I looked up concerned. What... What was the sample doing now...? I watched as the crystal formations spread through the sample, freezing it completely. Suspended in the now frozen sample was a grey web. "Oh my gosh..." I muttered, "it's keeping him alive..." Kyle and was about to move Luke to the warm water when I ran in, "DONT!" I yelled, "You're hurting him!" this time Kyle stopped what he was doing and turned to look at me. "MAKE UP YOUR MIND WOMAN!!"  "The ice! It's keeping him alive! Look!" I projected an image of the sample for the room to see.  "What the..." Breathed Kyle, "what's the grey stuff?" I shot him a look saying I didn't know. Running over, I gave the dose of Narcan and waited. Slowly, words began to become audible in the screams, "DONT... YOU CANT..." These broken phrase and those equally as vague continued. Suddenly, the noise that had bee present since I came down clicked into place... And it was not good news. It was a voice shouting into my earpiece, "AYERS! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?! ANSWER ME!!!!!" I flinched visibly before answering my superior, "Sir, there is a medical emergency down here. No one is hurt, though the patient is in some kind of--" I stopped, three words rang through the darkness,  "HE'S. NOT. THERE!" It was Luke's voice; desperate and almost pleading. "AYERS!!" Yelled the board director. I stood there in silence, mind churning trying to understand those three words.......... Got it... I ran over to Luke, "Luke..." I yelled over his screams, "Luke! You're dreaming!" I grabbed each of his wrists, sending the two nurses who had held them away. Leaning down toward his ear I began to speak softly, "Luke, it's not real... You're safe... No one is hurt..." His screams began to subside. I continued, "Whatever it is you're seeing, it's not real... Listen to me... You have to concentrate..." He was still struggling against myself and the nurses who held him down, "Luke... Remember the star... Focus on its light... Let it surround you and bring you back..." His muscles began to relax, but he still was fighting. Come on... I thought, just relax. I began to sing a lullaby. One I learned as a child. It had calmed countless patents in that past but Luke seemed to respond more than most. Slowly but surely he eventually stopped fighting back and lay there peacefully. I reached over him and got the restraints. I began to put one of his hands inside still singing, the room was silent, save my voice. As my fingers touched a particularly dark grey patch of his skin I felt a massive amount of energy surge into my body. I felt wind flying past me. Something hard hit the back of my head and I heard the sickening crack of my head hitting the wall. I collapsed unable to move, to breathe, to think. A massive black cloud was swirling around the room. In the distance I heard sounds but I couldn't place them. Whatever it was though, it sobered me up quick enough. I stood and faced the dark cloud. I walked forward my hand held outward. A bright blue light emanated from my hand. "vara borta, ridå av skugga, tillbaka till avgrunden!" (She said: Be gone, curtain of shadow, back to the abyss!) Reaching the cloud's threshold I pushed through the vortex. The cold black wind whipped around me but my light drove it away. finally I reached the eye of the storm. Luke lay on his bed a grey web extended in all directions from him. Picking my way over I touched my finger to the web. The blue light seeped into the web as it spread through the darkness like veins. Finally, after the light had consumed all of the web the black cloud fell away and blue, shining, ashes rained down like snow before evaporating.  "What... Was that?" Asked Kyle out of breath, after a moment of silence. "I don't know...." I responded, not even trying to cover up how much this concerned me. "How did you get rid of it?" Asked a deep voice, whom I recognized from earlier. He was the one who asked me if I was mortal-- wait a minute... No way... "I Uh... I don't know..." I answered as well as I could. I had no explanation for anyone in the room for what just happened. None that they'd understand anyway. He gave me another doubtful look. I gave a small smile to emphasize my answer and a little shrug. No one could know... It was too dangerous for everyone, including myself. "That was the Shadow of Space..." Said the man with a deep voice to no one in particular, "and the only way I know of defeating it..." He looked at me, "is through an infinity stone or a very very ancient being that's nothing but legend..." Oh good... I'm still only a legend. No one knows it's real. "Do you know about any of this?" Asked the man.  "No..." I said apologetically, "I don't even know what an... An 'infinity...... Infinity stone? Is." For the third time he gave me a look that said 'I-don't-belive-you' but he and everyone else left the room save for myself, Luke and Kyle, who was picking up supplies that had been thrown around the room from the wind. Walking over to Luke I grabbed his hand and gently squeezed it, tears welled up in my eyes. I loved him, though I knew the feeling wasn't returned. I didn't care, it wouldn't stop me from saving him if I could. I let go and walked over to Kyle helping him gather bits of bandages, vials and instruments. I was in the middle of cleaning up some medication that had spilt when something cold and sharp pressed against my neck.  "Well now..." Said a voice vaguely familiar, "Isn't this a surprise... I would never have guess that you, of all people, would have been the one..." The voice chuckled, "This worked out better than I thought. The only two people that could defeat me are right here in this room. One is frail and weak and the other is asleep..." Who was it... "I would like to say... That was quite an impressive show... Though the light always does seem to have a flair for the dramatic..." Something grabbed my hair and shoved me against the wall. I yelped as fresh pain shot through the wound where my head had hit the concrete. I was now face to face with the last person I expected to see: Joey. His features were twisted and his skin was grey but his eyes gave it away. Where was Kyle? Is Luke alight? Why was Joey here? Who was Joey? What did he want? I needed answers to all of these questions but all that came out was, "What?" Joey laughed,  "So eloquent my dear! Your way with words never ceases to amaze." Something caught my attention in the corner of my eye. A cocoon of the grey web with a hand sticking out of it... Kyle... A fire was blazing in my soul. How dare he do this... This was a hospital... We're here to help people... Not gathering them up to be fish in a barrel. This fire cleared my mind, "You can't kill me." I said calmly but I wasn't prepared for his answer...  The house crumbled to the ground as the fire claim the last of its foundation. The man watched as the flames lapped against the stone. They were gone... In his heart he knew he was too late to save them... He had put them there so that they would be safe... He turned away from the house, tears in his eyes. The thick smoke stung his eyes and lungs, he thought he would drown in it. How fitting. He thought, no longer fighting back against the fire and smoke. Suddenly, he heard her voice, "Remember the star... Focus on its light... Let it bring you back." The man turned his face toward the sky. There, shining through the smoke and fire was a light blue star. His star. "stjärn flicka..." (He said: star girl) He whispered, collapsing on the ground in tears. He had failed her... Failed them both... And now they were gone forever. He heard a soft lullaby on the wind. The melody soothed his heart but could not fix it. An unnatural weariness came upon him and he fell asleep surrounded by a melody, completely at peace. .......... When he awoke, he was no longer outside where the fire had been. He was in a cold concrete room. It was a dream... He thought relived. He could hear voices in the room. Voices? For the past 300 days all he heard was silence and occasionally the voice of his nurse. Who were they? What had happened before the nightmare? His mind flashed back to his escape attempt. The grey bullet... Her... That bullet was meant for her... He remembered the sniper on the roof, turned the opposite was from him. His eyes were cold and grey. She came running... The man fired... But it hit him instead. He had saved her from the shadow of space. She was alive.  "You can't kill me..." His heart froze. It was her voice. His eyes flicked over to the voice. Her slender frame was broken and bleeding and the sniper from before held her against the wall. Rage boiled inside of him. He tried to move but the medicine prevented any movement. He couldn't save her this time... The man leaned in close and said, "No... But I can kill him..." The man turned toward Luke with a vicious grin. "Say goodbye..." He tried desperately to move, to fight back; but to no avail. The medication kept him locked in place. At least he wasn't going to hurt her... Luke closed his eyes, preparing himself for the pain.  "NO!" Cried the woman. Luke opened his to see her leap in front of the sniper as he let out the flash of a spell. "stjärn flicka!!!" (Star girl) Yelled Luke. She was suspended in the air in between the two men. The other man didn't seem to care that his plan had failed. He continued to cast the spell. Luke watched as her body let off a blue mist... Her memories. He watched the memories dissipate in the the air. He continued to try and move, but all he could do was watch as the memory of her life vanish into the air. When the spell was complete she dropped to the ground, unconscious. "No..." He breathed. Love burned bright in his eyes. Finally breaking free from the effects of the medication he threw all of his magical energy toward the man who killed his love. It crashed into him, a ball of green light. He could hear the man's cries as the spell devoured him. When the light faded, there was nothing left of the man but ashes... Luke ran to the woman's side. Her frame was twisted, broken I several places and her white hair was stained red. His heart broke. He could never tell her he loved her. Even if she did wake up... She wouldn't remember. He bandaged her the best he could and placed a blanket over her. Grabbing his equipment he whispered to her "I will never forget... Or love again..." He turned and left; tears streaming down his face...

[nehslebasi]

2016, in pictures and text

This is going to be a very long post. A very very long post. A very very very long post. 

I’m thankful this year happened. All the tears, laughs, travels, anxiety, everything. Hoping 2016 will shape me (positively) into who I’m meant to become in the future - 2017 and beyond.

January 2016

I honestly don’t remember anything I did this month lol. I was still consistently running. Outings with Crew. Outings with my (then) 8th grade girls. Visited Lighthouse in Torrance. All I have are good, if not neutral, feelings of this month.

February 2016

Let’s just say it turned out to be the worst month of this year, and I’ll never stop missing her and wondering how different this year would have been if she were still here. So what do you do? Drink it away with your friends on Valentine’s. Go to the beach. Play board games. Go to Zinc cafe and drink Blue Bottle. Pretend you’re fine until you’re fine.

March 2016

Clara’s birthday at Bestia, where we ran into one of our Sunday school kids, asked if we wanted to take shots through lamb bone marrow lol. The setting sun and deepening pink sky behind the LA skyline as we coasted by on the freeway. Driving down to Playa Del Rey and squeezing through their narrow lanes to an ADX alumni reunion by the beach. Jack Garratt concert with Jacky, losing myself in sound. A day of exhilaration and pressuring my friends to ride roller coasters at Knott’s, and pretty much failing at that haha. 

April 2016

Coffee dates/study parties at Arts District. OC sushi and sake, where our waiter gave us complimentary sake and ice cream! Weekly Sunday lunches in Pasadena, always wearing a summery dress, always getting acai bowls. Multiple beach trips. Brunch at Perch with APR. Noah Gundersen at Hotel Cafe, where he answered a question I asked! Visited my sister’s work at Scripps even though I was dead-ass sick. And probably the #1 favorite concert I’ve ever been to, FOREVER, so much that I’m going to find them again every time they’re near me. Hullo Shadowboxers, hullo Hotel Cafe.

May 2016

Ran a half-marathon! (And couldn’t walk for days afterward) Turned 23. Treated to brunch at Republique and gifted a beautiful stick-figure drawing of us. Took a million jumping pictures by a fabric warehouse. Caught strep throat and a disgusting case of conjunctivitis. Election anxiety kicking in. Started taking this “applying to PA school” thing seriously. 

June 2016

Took a break from running (read: got lazy). Upset that the Cavaliers won. In the library or coffee shop every weekend to work on PA school apps and write my personal statement. (Shout out to Bean Town, Nest Teahouse). A Koreatown night market, lots of smoke, lots of food, lots of red lipstick. Drove to San Diego for a large-scale sleepover/reunion (and screenshotted the pictures lol)! Oscar’s fish tacos, a rooftop bar, a Werewolf bar, more ramen and pork belly than we could stomach... 

July 2017

One of my favorite, if not most stressful, months of 2016. Submitted my completed grad school application. Sushi and drinks with Angie in Pasadena. Sparklers and pyro activities at Jacky’s on the fourth. Roller-bladed by the sea with Bri from Santa Monica down to Venice, drank our way into a happy sunset buzz at a rooftop bar by the Pier, and rode the warm smooth buzz all the way back to USC on the Expo Line. Watched HP 1 with a live orchestra playing the score at the Hollywood Bowl. Ice cream and boy-stories in South Pas. Viv’s birthday right in our home turf. Started volunteering at my city’s hospital ER. Relient K released a new album. Started going to community group with Reality LA. Discussing political issues every Sunday with my friends, because I’m surrounding by men and women who care about them. Such a wonderful month :)

August 2016

Pizza and catch-ups at Old Town Pas, spilling about relationships with old friends. Exploring Santa Monica and walking for miles with the Crew in a looooong scavenger hunt that we have yet to complete! Frank Ocean drops his albums and changes my life, again. Oliver Sacks dies and I’m heartbroken. Drove through the winding Palos Verdes for a friend’s birthday. Crush on every young Murse. A wedding in San Diego, feeling regal in a borrowed navy dress and tall heels, a little too much to drink, as per usual haha.

September 2016

Crashed summer retreat at UCSD, ate too many tacos, more Tacos El Gordo, ate too much pho, just too much of everything in general lol. Crossed that rickety bridge. Binge watch Atlanta and Stranger Things. Start prepping for PA school interviews. Fly to New York for an interview at Cornell. Drag my little blue suitcase everywhere with me. It’s pouring rain the first day. Meet with Yenmin to eat Halal Guys, and Jaimie for udon and gelato. Navigating the city at night and running to catch the trains and buses. A couple nights in Jaimie’s beautiful apartment in Manhattan five stories up from the sidewalk, a brisk morning in my mom’s borrowed heels, a vegetable cream cheese bagel and coffee, a stressful interview at an ivy league, bleeding raw feet the whole day till I just had to give up and take them off. Walk through Central Park, the Met, coffee shops wearing Walgreens roll-up flats and business formal for 15+ miles till I can feel my feet bruising and my hair frizzing. Pizza and drinks with Jackie and Joyce in Soho. Little Italy’s night market. Frank Ocean, and a NY Times to and fro from NY--a beautiful city I won’t forget. JR JR/Saint Motel concert with Jess the night I land back in LA. Watched an ER patient get lungs drained, car dies in the hospital parking lot at midnight. Oh Wonder, Kevin Garrett concert with Feebs. Another memorable month :)

October 2016

Lightbulb/Third wheel dates with Clara and Justin begin (ok, unofficially in September, but officially in October)! Get a hit list of things to do in Chicago from ER guy. Fly to Chicago for an interview at Northwestern. Get picked up by Angie and drive toward her apartment in the city, become captivated by the skyline and sky. Eat my first Chicago dog. Absolutely enthralled by her cat Wrigley (and am now a cat person as a result). Venture out to Navy Pier and get caught in the pouring, storming rain. Deep dish at Giordano’s. Coffee and croissant before the interview, become attached to the program, would do ANYTHING to be accepted. Tacos at Del Seoul, some rain, Big Hero Six in pajamas as the wind blows and sun sets. Traverse through The Loop, see the Bean, the river, eat brunch/pancakes/everything, inspired by the running people preparing for the Chicago Marathon, in awe at the peace and clean grandeur of this place. It was difficult to leave. Cried after the second presidential debate because I couldn’t believe what my family was saying. Chop off my hair. Fly to Boston for an interview at MCPHS, immediately struck by the cold and beauty of this old city (and how much I suck at navigating its public transport system). Wrapped up with happiness and love while staying with my big. Walking by the Charles to the trains in the rain, a huge Bartleby’s burger and milkshake, a bookstore by Harvard U. A cloudy morning at a coffee shop with a bomb playlist and apple turnover and chai. Most amiable interview. Museum of Fine Arts, fresh seafood, another bookstore with a cafe in the middle, a long walk back home :). Coffee, the Library, Boston Commons and Boston public Gardens, a cemetery where many founders were buried, Flour bakery (nerded out about Joanne Chang), Quincy Market, Warren Anatomical Museum, JFK Library. I am in love with this city, it was also difficult to leave (plus Logan Airport had the nicest staff). And on the 31st, Hallelujah Night in a onesie.

November 2016

My friend Lynette gets engaged! We’re there to surprise her in the parking lot of the Huntington Gardens, and plan her engagement party. 11/8, the most wonderful and horrible day. I get the call that I was accepted to the school of my dreams. America elects a fool. Fly to New Jersey while listening to The Shins and watching the changing leaves through the airplane window. Stay with a gracious family during the interview at Rutgers and catch up with an old friend over Halal Guys. Kill time by reading Profiles in Courage. Realize that at this point, I’m a little burnt out with interviewing and flying back and forth across the country. Watch USC win the USC-UCLA game! Make my friends watch Stranger Things. Thanksgiving at Vincent’s. Relient K and Switchfoot concert of my DREAMS with drinks and fries before and during. Binge watch Gilmore Girls reboot and argue about who’s better: Jess or what’s-his-name, and how awful Rory and Lorelai are and how awful this reboot was!!

December 2016

Second Shadowboxer’s concert, which becomes my 2nd favorite concert ever, after my 1st favorite, which was also a Shadowboxers concert (I’m obsessed with them can you tell). Coworker shows me how to put on falsies. Dinner and stomachaches and being babysat in Old Town. The Paper Kites with Viv, and way too much food from friendly restaurant staff, and hand-banging fans who scream and clearly love The Paper Kites lol. Once more the Duke of Mediterranean Cafe. Last day volunteering. Jon’s Bday in Pas. A day in Little Tokyo and Arts District with Hannah. Vivian’s first sleepover. La La Land on Christmas Eve, dumplings on Christmas, no day off. Catch up drinks with gov kids. Administer my first Rocephin injection via dorsogluteal IM. Lots of visitors, including Yenmin and Jacky. Spend New Years Eve at Urgent Care, popping meds, and rereading A Swiftly Tilting Planet. :)

And that’s a wrap! This was supposed to be reflective and not a catalog of stuff... but welp that’s what it turned out to be. I’m grateful for surviving another year with inspiring and supportive people and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Thank you thank you thank you, because you guys make life more interesting and beautiful. :)

Favorite Books: The Wind-up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami, The Buried Giant by Kazuo Ishiguro, Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout, Profiles in Courage by JFK

Here’s to a brighter 2017.